Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
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Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache