Basically.
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I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Life with a cat in one tweet
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it