@_ElvishPresley_

Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that

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@MrGeorgeWallace

Shout out to the top 5 cards in the world, library, get well, business, gift, and Captain Jean Luc Pi.

@jjax44

I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”

@Marlebean

Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min

@AndrewNadeau0

ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.

@longwall26

May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean

@kkingparsons

Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir

@TheMadShattter

Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams

@Ellierocks2013

Last year I joined a support group for antisocial people.we haven’t met yet.