Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
You Might Also Like
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
#CatsOnTwitter
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?