A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
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No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
If you are reading this then you are reading this
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo