My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
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Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
Me too door. Me too.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.