death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
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The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
The best shot in the history of golf
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.