Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Bath time without my phone:
Bath time with my phone:
1 wrinkly baby
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Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
The easiest way to get rid of a ghost is to ask him for some rent money or to help with the dishes
HR: Did you tell Brenda she was stupid?
Me: Oh god no! I said she is stupid.
Me: There’s no past tense with that one.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…
It instantly takes me to another station.
I hate when I tell my girlfriend to call me when she’s feeling sensible and then 2 years go by before I realize I’m probably single.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
“I forgot my phone, so what do u want to talk about?”
*knocks on stall wall* “Hello? Can u hear me?”
“I like your shoes…Hello?”
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”