@CallMeDraper

Bath time without my phone:

10 minutes

Bath time with my phone:

45 minutes
75 retweets
1 wrinkly baby

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@rcromwell4

Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.

@ScorpionDong

The easiest way to get rid of a ghost is to ask him for some rent money or to help with the dishes

@TheMichaelRock

HR: Did you tell Brenda she was stupid?

Me: Oh god no! I said she is stupid.

HR…

Me: There’s no past tense with that one.

@ObscureGent

My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.

@SteveKoehler22

Music can take you places instantly.

Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…

It instantly takes me to another station.

@SlabBaconBP

I hate when I tell my girlfriend to call me when she’s feeling sensible and then 2 years go by before I realize I’m probably single.

@TomSchally

For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.

@laurajennyjo

“I forgot my phone, so what do u want to talk about?”

*knocks on stall wall* “Hello? Can u hear me?”

“I like your shoes…Hello?”
..

@vikkaroni

Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…

Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”