Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.

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Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.


Thanks to Twitter I will never again ask a man “What are you thinking?” Because now I know and I am horrified.


I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.


There are so many songs that tell us how to breathe. It’s like musicians and songwriters have never heard of the autonomic nervous system.


What is WRONG with you???

Me: *slowly counting on fingers* let’s see… ok… carry the 1… um… That would be everything


You know how sometimes you destroy your house & instead of cleaning you’re like “Screw it let’s just move?” That’s why we’re exploring space


Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.


The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.


WebMD has a mobile app now. An app!!! A quick, easy and convenient way to diagnose yourself with cancer anywhere!