Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
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Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
584.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view