Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.

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He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.


“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]


listen…valentines day is a scam invented by scorpios so people would have sex and make more scorpios


ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant


Me: the cords are tangled.

Brain: pull at them.

Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?

Brain: pull at them violently.


One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.


[sitting on the deck with my son]

Me: look son, everything the light touches-

Son: yes dad?

Me: -you have to mow.


Girlfriend: so i finally got that brazilian

Me: omg that’s hot, lemme see

Girlfriend: *puts arm around handsome muscular dude* this is Eduardo


Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!

Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised

Me: *continues eating