He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
You Might Also Like
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
listen…valentines day is a scam invented by scorpios so people would have sex and make more scorpios
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Girlfriend: so i finally got that brazilian
Me: omg that’s hot, lemme see
Girlfriend: *puts arm around handsome muscular dude* this is Eduardo
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating