@2questionable

Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.

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@fillthevacuum

Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.

@RandomlyMJ

Thanks to Twitter I will never again ask a man “What are you thinking?” Because now I know and I am horrified.

@WakeVII

I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.

@MsFoxIfUrNasty

There are so many songs that tell us how to breathe. It’s like musicians and songwriters have never heard of the autonomic nervous system.

@bombsydoll

What is WRONG with you???

Me: *slowly counting on fingers* let’s see… ok… carry the 1… um… That would be everything

@NicestHippo

You know how sometimes you destroy your house & instead of cleaning you’re like “Screw it let’s just move?” That’s why we’re exploring space

@2tickytacky

Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.

@Leslie_Annie

The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.

@SherBoBer

WebMD has a mobile app now. An app!!! A quick, easy and convenient way to diagnose yourself with cancer anywhere!