bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*

me: thanks

bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*

me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!

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If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.


I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.


That awkward moment when you gently toss your phone on the bed and it bounces off 3 walls, breaks 2 lamps and kills a cat…


Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”



I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.


me: excuse me, my chicken is cold

waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here


[pretend restaurant]

4-year-old: what do you want ?

me: pizza

4: we don’t have pizza

me: what do you have?

4: nothing

me: I’ll have nothing

4: we don’t have that

me: *throws table* this is bullshit!


me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine