[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
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Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
my mind
You just read my mind
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.