Lance Armstrong should keep his awards. Last time I rode a bike doped up, I ran into a parked zebra.
Batman (1989): An orphan fights a clown
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I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Sometimes I get road rage waiting for my son to finish his story.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…
“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
I just hired a private investigator to find out what I do all day.
Courtney Love thinks she found the plane. It’s like God doesn’t trust us to write our own jokes.