@senderblock23

Batman (1989): An orphan fights a clown

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@inSanelySami

Lance Armstrong should keep his awards. Last time I rode a bike doped up, I ran into a parked zebra.

@theriouthly

[first day as magician]

Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning

@NateMorrising

For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.

@DaddyJew

Sometimes I get road rage waiting for my son to finish his story.

@jonnysun

“building-building building building building-building building”

(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)

@HlessHman

Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens

Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that

@Reverend_Scott

*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…

“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”

SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.

@nerdreign

Courtney Love thinks she found the plane. It’s like God doesn’t trust us to write our own jokes.