“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
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Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.