@OhNoSheTwitnt

[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.

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@imadepoopstoday

Bring brownies to work.

Spend the rest of the day asking coworkers, “you feelin anything yet?”

@longwall26

One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me

@SatansTongue

*wife opens present*
“You got me the action figure you wanted?”
Ugh if you don’t appreciate it then give me it
*takes gift and runs to room*

@NervousJr

Told my mom “The D” stood for donuts, and now she won’t stop telling people she wants the chocolate D.

@truegritrumble

BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep

@dril

oerdering 40 plates of baby back ribs on a stolen credit card so that i can get enough wet naps to clean my entire body #JustGuyShit #normal

@LousyBastard

Had sex with my nephew’s English teacher. Texted her the next day “Last nite was grate. Your so awsome!” so I don’t have to see her again.

@sirensaysnope

Him: Tell me one of your fantasies
Me: I want to lie in a field of French fries naked

@grimpossible

If you fall down in public the best thing to do is stay down, use your fingernails to dig your way to another country then start a new life.

@Bob_Janke

This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would