Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
And the rib?
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
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A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
I am so sorry to hear about your grandma… I know what you’re going through my phone dies all the time.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Ha ha! OH, HOW THE TABLES HAVE TURNED!
“dude, are you gonna do this every time you rearrange the furniture”
My cat just meowed and it sounded like he said “ugh” and I’ve never agreed with him more
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.