Bring brownies to work.
Spend the rest of the day asking coworkers, “you feelin anything yet?”
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
And the rib?
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
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One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
*wife opens present*
“You got me the action figure you wanted?”
Ugh if you don’t appreciate it then give me it
*takes gift and runs to room*
Told my mom “The D” stood for donuts, and now she won’t stop telling people she wants the chocolate D.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
oerdering 40 plates of baby back ribs on a stolen credit card so that i can get enough wet naps to clean my entire body #JustGuyShit #normal
Had sex with my nephew’s English teacher. Texted her the next day “Last nite was grate. Your so awsome!” so I don’t have to see her again.
Him: Tell me one of your fantasies
Me: I want to lie in a field of French fries naked
If you fall down in public the best thing to do is stay down, use your fingernails to dig your way to another country then start a new life.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would