Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie

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Me: The Tooth Fairy doesn’t want you messing with it until payd…Friday.


I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.


“Can I get a rum and coke, no straw” I ask the bartender, in hopes of an eco-friendly cutie overhearing me and falling in love with me at eye contact, when in reality all I get is a rum and coke with a straw because the bartender didn’t hear me over God’s Plan playing loudly


I should’ve been a child star so I could’ve gotten all my working out of the way and been an accomplished drug addict by now.


SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M:  I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*


When I was 20, I interviewed to harvest llama wool and showed up with a vegetable peeler. I was maybe drunk

I can’t even make this up


Alcohol doesn’t make you fat… it makes you Lean… on tables, chairs & random ugly people…or sometimes floors


“Wow this pizza is amazing”

Yes, well it’s our specialty dough.
We soak it in pickle juice.
Dill pickle juice actually.

It’s a dilldough


Listen, guys. I’ve had two kids.

Your promise to “destroy” it is no good here.


When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power