Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
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God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
cause of death:
autopsy.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Every. Damn. Time.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw