@Molly_Kats

Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie

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@TheMichaelRock

7yo: I HAVE A LOOSE TOOTH!

Me: The Tooth Fairy doesn’t want you messing with it until payd…Friday.

@Jandalize

I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.

@lucas_mingote

“Can I get a rum and coke, no straw” I ask the bartender, in hopes of an eco-friendly cutie overhearing me and falling in love with me at eye contact, when in reality all I get is a rum and coke with a straw because the bartender didn’t hear me over God’s Plan playing loudly

@catlikethiefx0

I should’ve been a child star so I could’ve gotten all my working out of the way and been an accomplished drug addict by now.

@KalvinMacleod

SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M:  I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*

@TheQuietPsycho

When I was 20, I interviewed to harvest llama wool and showed up with a vegetable peeler. I was maybe drunk

I can’t even make this up

@Scdavis24

Alcohol doesn’t make you fat… it makes you Lean… on tables, chairs & random ugly people…or sometimes floors

@RoosterMustache

“Wow this pizza is amazing”

Yes, well it’s our specialty dough.
We soak it in pickle juice.
Dill pickle juice actually.

It’s a dilldough

@Vodkantots

Listen, guys. I’ve had two kids.

Your promise to “destroy” it is no good here.

@HLFHM

When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power