Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
You Might Also Like
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.