[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
You Might Also Like
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…