Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I was pregnant and people asked when I was due I would say what do you mean

If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.

I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.

Your Czech is in the mail.

-Mail order brides

My mind is like a sponge.

It spends most of its time in filthy places.

I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about

Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.

Me: Neither are you.

Zen master: Oh bugger.

Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password

The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.

Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.

sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests

I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.

Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:

I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.

There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.

Net flips and krill?

– killer whale text

Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.

Replying “cinnamon bun?” when your friend says she has a bun in the oven is wrong. I know this now, but in my defense I was craving Cinnabon.

RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name

Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.

[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god

The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.

Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?

Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat

#polloftheday

the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.

It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.

[sitting in dentist’s chair]

Dentist: get out of my living room

[Getting ready to go out]

Her: Is that what you’re wearing?

Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.

I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe

Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.

Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.