Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes

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Purse Rules:

1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses

2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs


No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.


My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!


Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.


[The Gorge in the Pride lands]

Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?

Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*


Joined a gym once. 12 bystanders were injured. So much blood. 2 people renounced their faith. At night I still hear the treadmill screaming.


You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem


[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..

*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”


If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.


“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”

Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”