Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
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A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
step 6: release the wall snake
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan