@MrJeberling

Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes

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@joshgondelman

I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.

@FredTaming

i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly

@Midgetspar

Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.

@houffy

I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.

@zachreinert03

Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no

@iam__kaycee

*Dating a Jealous dude*

Him: Baby, where are you?
Her: I’m in the church
Him: Give Jesus the phone

@HousewifeOfHell

A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.