Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
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me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.