Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands

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[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]

“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”

Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”


Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a pear-shaped woman’s body


Somebody texted me “What are you doing?” and I just wrote back, “My best.”


*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.


Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.


ME: gimme a beer with a thick head

BARTENDER: you got it

BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?


Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.


4: Where did I come from?
Me: Mommy’s belly.
4: How’d I get there?
Me: I, uh…put you there?
4: How did you…


I love when bill collectors ask if you can borrow the money…uh I did that before and I think we both know how that turned out.