Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
You Might Also Like
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
🙁
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
He took my last fry, your honor
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Why are bridges so flammable.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person