Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
You Might Also Like
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?