@DaveTheAlbino

Batman had the bat signal.

If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.

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@jeannes_jargon

Facebook: Essential oils.
Snapchat: I’m a bunny!
Instagram: I ate a hamburger.
Twitter: THIS COUNTRY IS BURNING TO THE GROUND.

@NutttyV

According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4

@TheAlexNevil

If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”

@mommywhitfield

*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*

@queasy_f_bby

you can tell potato chips are healthy and natural when the bag is matte instead of glossy

@Darlainky

My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.

@DaHess1

Wanna screw with your idiot friends on Facebook? Post that Obama passed a law to stay in office a third term this morning. Praise Jesus.