Batman had the bat signal.

If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.

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Facebook: Essential oils.
Snapchat: I’m a bunny!
Instagram: I ate a hamburger.


According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4


If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.


Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”


*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*


you can tell potato chips are healthy and natural when the bag is matte instead of glossy


My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.


Wanna screw with your idiot friends on Facebook? Post that Obama passed a law to stay in office a third term this morning. Praise Jesus.