Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
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Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
My brain is a bad influence on me
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.