@xLiserx

*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*

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@MomOnFire

I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.

@VisionBored1

The real criminals are the recipes that suggest using apple sauce instead of butter

@BlackCatBettie

“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.

@thenatewolf

*holding my crying child*

Me: I know, earthquakes are scary. So maybe next time you’ll be good and I won’t have to make that happen again.

@junejuly12

Him: you’re so cool

Me: thanks

Him: …and aloof

Me: thanks

Him: it’s like you were raised by cats

Me: *licks his face* huh?

@envydatropic

The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary

@iAmDelFreaky

I just opened an Easy Bake Oven restaurant.

Please call your order in, 17 hours prior to your arrival.

@joeljeffrey

That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.

@Shingaboop

Coworker: GOOD MORNING!

Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee

Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee

Me: Exactly