*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*

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I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.


The real criminals are the recipes that suggest using apple sauce instead of butter


“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.


*holding my crying child*

Me: I know, earthquakes are scary. So maybe next time you’ll be good and I won’t have to make that happen again.


Him: you’re so cool

Me: thanks

Him: …and aloof

Me: thanks

Him: it’s like you were raised by cats

Me: *licks his face* huh?


The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary


I just opened an Easy Bake Oven restaurant.

Please call your order in, 17 hours prior to your arrival.


That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.



Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee

Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee

Me: Exactly