@thedad

BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please

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@RdrJay47

Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?

@HenpeckedHal

My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?

@PaperWash

mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!

[20 years later]

mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother

@16bitbulbasaur

date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex

[later]

me: *yelling* avada kedavra

@Rollinintheseat

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”

Me: “He’s my service dog.”

My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”

@chelliet22

Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.

@letstrytomorrow

i just crushed this bag of doritos so i could pour them in rather than get my fingers dirty because i’m a classy lady.

@dxxnya

me: i love sleepovers

doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital

me: then why do I have this nightgown

doctor: that’s a hospital gown

me: truth or dare

doctor:

me:

doctor: dare