Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
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My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
i just crushed this bag of doritos so i could pour them in rather than get my fingers dirty because i’m a classy lady.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare