BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
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My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
notice
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Natty or not?
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows