@thedad

BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please

You Might Also Like

@SaraESpivey

After I orgasm, I yell “Aaaaand scene.” Then I push him off me, throw him his clothes while holding the door open& say “Ummm. We’ll call u.”

@senderblock23

My extra sensitive toothpaste doesn’t like it when I use other toothpastes.

@zachreinert03

I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me

@Izianikapani

Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.

@Mz_Cake_Vodka

My ex got run down by a bus today.

I thought “Wow, that could have been me!”

But I can’t drive a bus.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: *trying to hock a loogie*

Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.

@lewisheywood

Honestly thought someone was just super excited about the drinks machine

@zdarsky

I want a SPIDERMAN GO app where I have to get pictures of spiderman for a furious j jonah jameson

@MelvinofYork

I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”