BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please

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Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?


My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?


mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!

[20 years later]

mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother


date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex


me: *yelling* avada kedavra



Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”

Me: “He’s my service dog.”

My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”


Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.


i just crushed this bag of doritos so i could pour them in rather than get my fingers dirty because i’m a classy lady.


me: i love sleepovers

doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital

me: then why do I have this nightgown

doctor: that’s a hospital gown

me: truth or dare



doctor: dare