Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
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Why I divorced her.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.