Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
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Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.