Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
You Might Also Like
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps