[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
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Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET