@nyquills

[Batman picking a catchphrase]

Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander

Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity

Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime

Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”

Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing

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@Lexi__Alexandra

“Tell me why I shouldn’t report you to HR?” The doctor yelled at me when I used the defibrillator wrong. “I don’t work here” I yelled back.

@nyquills

Ladies, if he:

– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteries

He’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.

@AnkCoupleTO

Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*

@jenyb4

Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.

My dreams have come true.

@ArfMeasures

Me *texting* I found a genie!

Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid

Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what

@tsm560

Got an extension cord, and moved the microwave right into bed with me. This 2015 is looking like a good one already.

@HumorParasite

Friend told me that on her strict new diet, she eats each meal naked in front of a mirror. I said would you like to come over for dinner?

@shwebby3

Went off roading with my prius but ended up getting stuck on a bonsai tree in neighbor’s front yard