[Batman picking a catchphrase]

Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander

Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity

Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime

Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”

Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing

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Ok so last night a girl was crying in the toilets cause her ex got a lass pregnant who he cheated on her with, so me tryna make her feel better said “could be you tho and kids are awful u don’t want them” she looked me dead in the eye and said “I already have two kids”


I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.


There are 3 types of people:

1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people


ME: Are you sure you’re my Uber driver

GIANT HAWK CARRYING ME AWAY: *various hawk noises*


God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.


Divorce is like hitting the reset button on Super Mario Bros except now you pay for the Princess’s castle and hope Bowser kills you.


*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*


Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.