@nyquills
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
@jessicaabrownnn
Ok so last night a girl was crying in the toilets cause her ex got a lass pregnant who he cheated on her with, so me tryna make her feel better said “could be you tho and kids are awful u don’t want them” she looked me dead in the eye and said “I already have two kids”
@Mirimade
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
@Token_Geezer
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
@heybuddy_comic
shawn: [yawns] I’m tired
shaun: [yauns] me too
sean: [yeans] and me
@Home_Halfway
ME: Are you sure you’re my Uber driver
GIANT HAWK CARRYING ME AWAY: *various hawk noises*
@WornOutMommy
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
@theshamingofjay
Divorce is like hitting the reset button on Super Mario Bros except now you pay for the Princess’s castle and hope Bowser kills you.
@nice_mustard
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
@Shade510
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
@TumbIrHumor
