My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
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Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao