I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
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Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
a god among men
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.