Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
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[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Seems legit
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”