Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?

Superman: Um obviously.

Batman: Think about that for a second.

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If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash


“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?


Camo is proper for any occasion. It’s good for drinkin’ beers, huntin’ deers and scarin’ queers. Merica.


My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!


Day one of my juice cleanse: I feel incredible!
Day two: I have carjacked an ice cream truck and fought the manager of Bed Bath & Beyond.


trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”


Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.


OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.