@noogscorner

Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?

Superman: Um obviously.

Batman: Think about that for a second.

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@STOTLE

If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash

@DanMentos

“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?

@CloydRivers

Camo is proper for any occasion. It’s good for drinkin’ beers, huntin’ deers and scarin’ queers. Merica.

@Ideal_Victoria

My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!

@CelebrityChez

Day one of my juice cleanse: I feel incredible!
Day two: I have carjacked an ice cream truck and fought the manager of Bed Bath & Beyond.

@sherrysworld

trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”

@AmericanGent69

Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.

@amydillon

OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.