*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*

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If I were God, I’d totally be cool with you using my name in vain.

Feel free to say, “Oh John” next time you’re cumming ladies.


me: this glass is too small

bartender: would you prefer a tumbler

me: yes

acrobat: what can I get you


Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.


A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.


[dies and goes to hell]

Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake

Me: oh thank god-

Satan: you should be in super hell

Me: oh no


Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”


Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.


The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.