*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
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*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
When you don’t understand how floors work
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.