Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
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My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
*looks at you in batman voice*
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not