Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
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From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?