@unknownshoulder

Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”

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@onion_an

Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex

Me: Yeah

Gf: I’m having twins

Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies

@bartandsoul

“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair

@NotThatKevin

I said my wife’s name three times in front of the bathroom mirror and now my wallet’s empty…

@dril

BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES

@noneofyours99

Me- are you still mad at me?
CW- yes!!!

*one minute later*

Me- What about now?

@NicestHippo

*walks into son’s room to find a recording of him snoring*
Dear God
*dials 911*
Help, a wizard turned my son into a 90’s cassette player

@TheTweetOfGod

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, there was a grim recognition of the fundamental uselessness of man’s endeavors.

@MakesYouGiggle

Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.

@CulturedRuffian

I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.

@Reverend_Scott

BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-

ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]