@scot7a

BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…

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@TheNardvark

I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”

@SirEviscerate

Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it

@_Shizzle

I went on a date with a girl I met from twitter once. It didn’t work out, but he’s one of the nicest guys I’ve ever met.

@AtticusFinch79

[parking lot in the 80’s]

*man appears to be having a heart attack*

MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR

ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead

@dadmann_walking

me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]

me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]

@shutupmikeginn

You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea

@sixfootcandy

Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.

Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*

@AmishPornStar1

I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.

-inventor of powerwalking