*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
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People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”