BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
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[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.