Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
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I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
We’ve all been there
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor