Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
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5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.