@Playing_Dad

[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?

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@JanuaryJames

People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.

@thatUPSdude

I heard someone say their podcast was on “hiatus”, guess that sounds better than “my mom took away my laptop”.

@Trisarahjtops

Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.

@locherre

Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.

@sixfootcandy

Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!

@E_lok44

I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.