[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
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friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke