*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
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[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*