DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
You Might Also Like
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing he’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
Broke a light bulb today.
Seven years of bad ideas?
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.