@UncleDuke1969

*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”

*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”

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@roxiqt

DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-

ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers

@BitchyJasmine

I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing he’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.

@RedRegenerated

If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.

@FatherWithTwins

My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday

@ArfMeasures

[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes

@AndyAsAdjective

[1st date]

WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?

HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*

DRACULA: *just glares at her*

@tiemoose

[undercover as a mom]

Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now

Other moms: *narrow eyes*

Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months

@dreamthievin

New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!

@JediGigi

To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.