{batman walking downstairs}

“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”

[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]

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[blind date]

“I’m like, really good at *looks on hand* making the sex”

-did you just read that off your hand?

“Hey! You’re not blind!”


my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”


creditor: this entire call will be recorded

comedian: awesome can i use this as a credit


Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.


Cats love it when you give them a mohawk


I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.


Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.


[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy


My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip


I always appreciate when someone leaves me a voice mail. It let’s me know they don’t need my attention until the next time I’m bored enough to empty out my voice mail folder.