{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
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Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Love is in the air fryer.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do