@GrumpyComments

Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.

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@amanda_poops

Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]

Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.

@CulturedRuffian

When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.

@Trisarahjtops

Me as a detective:

[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]

[evidence catches on fire]

no no no no

@SuperRandomish

Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”

Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”

@omgthatspunny

Cinderella was thrown off the basketball team because she ran away from the ball.

@Darlainky

The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.

@xmasape

If Michaels doesn’t come strong with a “Hobby Lobby supports ISIS” campaign then they’re just not ruthless enough to survive in Big Craft

@VerifiedDrunk

I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!