Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
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No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.