@GrumpyComments

Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.

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@OhNoSheTwitnt

No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.

@longwall26

Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”

@Lisa_Laughs_

I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?

@UncleDuke1969

Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.

(For Judy in Accounting)

@pauvrelapinou

Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer

@ronleibach

[watching This Is Us]

*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.

@sock_holliday

Netflix: we added a show you might like

Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like

Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer

Me: go on

Netflix: who fall in love

Me: that sounds ok

Netflix: starring Paul Rudd

Me: *calls in sick*

@ch000ch

OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM

@JeffLoveness

“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.