batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
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disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.