@TweetsByKaylee

batman: who do I see about this ticket?

cop: oh, I wrote it

batman: who tickets the batmobile!?

cop: you were illegally parked

batman: I was fighting crime!

cop: rules are rules

batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!

cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?

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@RodLacroix

My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.

@Reach4theSkye_

I sexually identify as a microwaveable dinner. Ready in 3 minutes and don’t look anything like my picture

@Gupton68

Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold

Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*

@PencilWalrus

[Job interview]

“What would you say is your greatest strength?”

“Sticking my fingers in people’s mouths.”

“Arhghv-um-hirv-ok-hrbsj-hired”

@MatticusFinch1

*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*

Wife: OMG, Are you OK?

Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!

Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.

Me: Wait, What??

@panmidwest

I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him

@Vhalechark

Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce

Her: the what?

Me: the Westminster Shore sauce

Her: are you having a stroke?

Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce

Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-

Me: the Willmington Scone sauce

Her: please, it’s getting worse

Me: the Wank-