Them: If you ask me…
Me: I didn’t.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
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My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
I sexually identify as a microwaveable dinner. Ready in 3 minutes and don’t look anything like my picture
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
“What would you say is your greatest strength?”
“Sticking my fingers in people’s mouths.”
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-