@TweetsByKaylee

batman: who do I see about this ticket?

cop: oh, I wrote it

batman: who tickets the batmobile!?

cop: you were illegally parked

batman: I was fighting crime!

cop: rules are rules

batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!

cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?

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@iGreenMonk

Just waved back at someone at the gym who was waving at the person behind me and now I’m looking for a new gym.

@Reverend_Scott

Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?

“Not with the proper treatment.”

*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*

@bazecraze

You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.

@TheAlexNevil

Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.

@murrman5

*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”

@djdarrellripley

Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!

Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!

Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!

@Chucklehouse1

‘I found something in my hair earlier and had no idea what it was’.

Facebook: *gets an invite to an organic shampoo party

Twitter: Did you taste it?

@amndw2

What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:

*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~

@BuckyIsotope

If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.