@iGreenMonk
Just waved back at someone at the gym who was waving at the person behind me and now I’m looking for a new gym.
@TweetsByKaylee
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
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@iGreenMonk
@Reverend_Scott
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
@bazecraze
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
@TheAlexNevil
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
@murrman5
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
@djdarrellripley
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
@Chucklehouse1
‘I found something in my hair earlier and had no idea what it was’.
Facebook: *gets an invite to an organic shampoo party
Twitter: Did you taste it?
@amndw2
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
@BuckyIsotope
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
@_queenofcool
You’re not a hopeless romantic. You’re just stupid.