Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
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I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year