Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
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just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
This is amazing.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.