Batman: Why so down?

Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.

*[Jesus enters]

Aquaman: Dammit!

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I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”


Guys, I have to stop cyber-bullying North Korea. They called my mom.


I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”


“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-invites arguments

“this bloodline dies with me”
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments


Wife: OMG the baby just swallowed some Scrabble tiles!
Me: Which ones?
Wife: BLTOUR & E
Me: Well, that could spell trouble


[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people


I wanna be the reason you get out of bed in the morning, even if it is to make sure the door is locked.


UPS: your package arrived in your city and wiII be delivered at 4:10pm

FedEx: your package is on the way, you will get it when we get it to you

USPS: you ordered something..right?

Amazon: we’re in your house

Instagram: you were thinking about this item so heres 5 ads about it


Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.

Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol


Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.