I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
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Guys, I have to stop cyber-bullying North Korea. They called my mom.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
“this bloodline dies with me”
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Wife: OMG the baby just swallowed some Scrabble tiles!
Me: Which ones?
Wife: BLTOUR & E
Me: Well, that could spell trouble
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
I wanna be the reason you get out of bed in the morning, even if it is to make sure the door is locked.
UPS: your package arrived in your city and wiII be delivered at 4:10pm
FedEx: your package is on the way, you will get it when we get it to you
USPS: you ordered something..right?
Amazon: we’re in your house
Instagram: you were thinking about this item so heres 5 ads about it
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.