Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
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Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza