People dating on the internet have it so easy. Back in my day, a man would walk uphill both ways in the snow to disappoint a woman.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
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The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
9: can I go play at TJ’s house?
9: TJ, you’ve met him like a thousand times
Me: no idea
9: he lives 2 houses down
Me: not ringing a bell
9: they have a yellow dog
Me: oh..Bark Whalberg’s house? Yea that’s fine
FYI guys: If a girl plays w/ her hair while talking to u, it means she has an itchy scalp, possibly lice. Stay away, it is very contagious.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?